


Dirty Laundry Looks Good on You

by EquusGirl (EquusGirl0621)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Accidental Use of the Force, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fights, Force-Sensitive Leia Organa, Grief/Mourning, Hair Braiding, Kashyyyk, Marriage Proposal, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Post-Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Self-harm tendencies, Smut, Sort Of, Trauma, trauma flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:14:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22784656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EquusGirl0621/pseuds/EquusGirl
Summary: Han and Leia struggle to adjust to postwar life and coping with past trauma all the while trying to figure out what these things mean for their newfound relationship. Set a month-ish after RotJ.
Relationships: Chewbacca & Leia Organa, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Mallatobuck & Leia Organa
Comments: 17
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gillanna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gillanna/gifts).



> A note about 'chose not to use archive warnings': Leia experiences vivid flashbacks to her time on the Death Star and Vader's torture. There are also themes of self-loathing and coping with previous traumas in addition to self-harm tendencies. Please take care of yourself and exercise caution when interacting with this work.
> 
> This fic was written as a (terribly late) pinch hit for the [ 2019 Hanleia Holiday Exchange.](https;//hanleiasecretsanta.tumblr.com) Gillanna, I hope you enjoy this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I am so sorry it's taken so long to get you something. I'm still struggling with the ending so I just broke the fic into two chapters; I hope to have it finished within the week. I have thrown in some references to a few Legends novels but if you're not familiar with them, it shouldn't affect your comprehension.
> 
> Title from All Time Low's _[Dirty Laundry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTwmxiLSD0w)._ Please listen to the song if you can, it inspired so much of this fic and it's such a Hanleia song in my opinion.   
>    
> Finally, a massive thank you to my betas, [Ksco](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ksco/pseuds/Ksco) and [Elle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elle_vee/pseuds/elle_vee). Y'all are the absolute best and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all the effort y'all put into beta'ing my fics and talking me away from the 'delete' button.

  
**═══════════════**  


Leia stared up at the ceiling of the treehouse, blessedly warm for once. Almost _hot_. And there was so much _room_. No longer was she confined to a chilly starship bunk or freezing her ass off on a hard and unforgiving cot on Hoth. She was stretched out on a soft sleep pallet that sunk half a meter when she got in it. She and Han could splay out and barely touch if they wanted to. 

They didn’t. She wasn’t pressed to Han’s side so much as she was laying half on top of him—their legs tangled together and his arm thrown over her, his hand resting on her thigh. She shifted and glanced up at his sleeping face, unable to stop herself from smiling. 

They were safe, surrounded by the ones they loved. The Empire was crumbling and Vader was dead. Han loved her. She turned back to the ceiling, pressing her cheek against his shoulder. 

So why couldn’t she fucking sleep? It was ridiculous. She blew out a quiet sigh, knowing perfectly well why her mind wouldn’t quiet. Not even death kept Vader from haunting her. 

_Your father,_ a snide voice whispered in her mind. Anger flared in her chest, white and hot. _No, not my father._ The only parents she claimed as her own were Bail and Breha Organa, Viceroy and Queen of Alderaan. They were the only ones who _mattered_.

At least, that’s what she tried to tell herself when thoughts like ‘his blood runs through your veins; his power too’ and ‘hatred and anger are paths to the Dark Side’ began to echo around her mind. Sometimes it felt like she was nothing _but_ anger and hatred. Her hatred of Vader and the unjust practices of the Empire, everything it had stood for…. They had been her only reason to get out of bed most days. Take them away and she was _nothing_. The durasteel band around her chest tightened and the humid, tropical air suddenly felt too heavy. 

Han grunted in his sleep, almost as if he could sense her distress, and the unexpected sound pulled her from her rapidly spiraling thoughts. She forced herself to take a deep breath before glancing up at him. Only now did she notice the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the sheen of sweat on his skin. Another strangled sound escaped his throat, the noise caught between a growl and a whimper, and startlingly inhuman. 

“Han?” she whispered, gently elbowing his side as she twined her fingers through his limp hand. No response, just another unsettling, shapeless sound that sent chills down her spine. 

“Han,” she said, raising her voice and nudging him a little more forcefully. His eyes snapped open, pupils blown wide as he panted and his eyes frantically searched his surroundings. 

“I’m here, Han. We’re on Kashyyyk, we’re safe,” she soothed, squeezing his hand and pushing his hair back from his forehead. His eyes settled on her and, although the swirling panic lessened slightly, he still didn’t move. Instead, he stared at her intently, another hoarse cry coming from his throat and she finally realized that he _couldn’t_ move. “Focus on my hand.” She squeezed it once for emphasis. “Try to squeeze my hand.”

He stared at her, chest heaving and eyes wild, for what felt like ages before his fingers finally twitched in hers. She smiled softly as the panic faded from his eyes the moment he regained motor function. He sucked in a big breath as some of the tension leached from his body. 

“Sorry,” he grunted, pushing himself up into a sitting position and rubbing at his face.

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” she murmured, sitting up and placing a hand on his back. How often had he comforted her after nightmares? How often had she woken him up screaming, his sheets soaked in her sweat? She wasn’t in any place to judge. “Can I do anything for you?”

Han shook his head, clambering to his feet and pulling on a pair of sweatpants. “Ain’t nothin’ t’do,” he muttered darkly, not looking back at her as he exited their room. 

Well… _that_ smarted. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged her legs for a long moment, letting her mind catch up to the whirlwind of emotions coursing through her. To her utter confusion, tears pricked at her eyes as she fought down the hollow ache of rejection. 

_Oh, for fuck’s sake, Organa. Get it together; you know what it’s like to wake up from nightmares._ She swallowed hard and took a deep breath, debating on whether or not to follow him. If he just wanted to be alone, she could understand that, but she also desperately wanted to check on him.

Leia sighed and squeezed her eyes shut, burying her face in her knees. _What would Mama do?_ She forced herself to take a deep breath and then another. 

Opening her eyes, she lifted her head and peered through the darkened doorway before climbing off the pallet and silently pulled on her sleeveless undershirt and Han’s Bloodstripes—having to turn the waistband over a ridiculous number of times. Still, there was something reassuring about drowning in his clothes. 

She quietly crept through the bungalow that Chewie and Malla called ‘home’, not wanting to disturb their hosts. But before she found Han, she caught sight of a familiar Wookiee sitting on the front porch. She poked her head out, offering Chewbacca a soft smile. He had his hands full with a block of Wroshyr wood and a carving blade. Wood chips littered the ground around him. “Can’t sleep either?”

He looked up from his work and grumbled softly, shaking his head. [“Is everything alright, Little Bird? Do you need something?”]

She shook her head, leaning against the door jamb. “No, but thank you.”

[“Is Cub alright? I heard him moving about upstairs.”] Leia bit her lip, unsure how much Han would want her to tell Chewie. They were the best of friends, brothers even, but something about Han’s nightmare felt too private for her to share. It was Han’s information to give or keep. 

“I don’t know,” she admitted quietly, shrugging. It wasn’t a lie; this _was_ unfamiliar territory for her. “Can you tell where he is?”

Chewie tilted his head to the side, silent as he listened past the chirping insects and croaking of some native animal. [“Try the kitchen.”]

“Thank you, Chewie. I’ll be back,” she said as an idea came to her. The Wookiee nodded and went back to carving as she quietly made her way to the kitchen. She found Han leaning against the counter with fisted hands, staring at a kettle with two mugs in front of him. His knuckles were whiter than the snow on Hoth and the veins running up his arms were prominent. Leia made sure to make some noise so as not to startle him. 

“Hey there, Flyboy,” she said, leaning against the door jamb. 

Han still jumped but looked up at her with a smile, small and strained, but a smile nonetheless. 

“I was jus’ makin’ some tea,” he said, indicating the setup before him. 

She fought to keep the surprise off her face—tea was not Han’s thing. So she nodded, smiling fondly at him. “When you’re done, get your ass out on the front porch and bring a Sabacc deck.” If he couldn’t sleep—or didn’t _want_ to—they’d do what they’d done on the way to Bespin when she had trouble sleeping. 

His eyebrows knitted together and he cocked his head but didn’t question her, just nodded with the same air of acceptance he had when he knew she couldn’t be persuaded otherwise. She turned to leave.

“Hey, Your Worship!” he whispered furtively, like he knew some big secret. 

She looked back over her shoulder, hand on the door jamb and the corner of her mouth quirking as she raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“I like those pants,” he said in the same secretive tone. Her half smile grew into a grin. _Such a nerfherder._ She glanced down over her shoulder, having forgotten she had on his red Corellian Bloodstripes. 

Looking back up at him, she wriggled her hips playfully. “Yeah?” 

“Mhmm,” he hummed, nodding appreciatively as he looked her up and down. “More’n just your ass though.” Heat crept up the back of her neck and she ducked her head, knowing it was Han’s roundabout way of saying he liked her in his clothes. It had little to do with attraction—he’d still think she looked beautiful in the most shapeless clothes. No, he liked that she claimed them and thereby claimed him as well. 

She rejoined Chewie out on the front porch, chatting with him idly as they waited for Han, playing with the featherlight shavings that fell from his knife as she luxuriated in the warm breeze that played across her skin. It was so good to be warm again.

  
**═══════════════**  


Han half fell, half collapsed onto the sleep pallet, his body aching for sleep. His mind, however—that was a different story. He’d lost track of just how many hours they’d stayed up playing Sabacc. Surely the sun would be coming up soon. But he’d had fun, even if Chewie had won most of the hands. Leia was getting better too.

She snuggled closer to him, throwing her leg over his as her touch settled his raucous mind somewhat. He sighed, wrapping an arm around her waist and holding her close as he buried his face in her neck. She smelled so good, different than he was used to thanks to whatever fancy ‘fresher products she’d indulged in since Endor. 

“Han?” she murmured.

He pressed a kiss to her throat, just the barest brush of lips against skin. “Hm?”

She hesitated, her fingers idly sliding up and down his arm. “Are you alright?”

He tensed, images of his nightmare flashing in his mind. No, he wasn’t alright and he couldn’t seem to escape his own thoughts no matter what he did. 

“Leia…” How did he tell her about the nightmares where everyone around him was in danger because of him and he was absolutely powerless to stop it? Or the voice in his head that was sickeningly similar to Shrike’s, telling him he was useless scum. He couldn’t. 

“You don’t have to talk about it,” she said quietly, pushing him back gently as she tried to catch his eyes. “I just—” Her mouth worked silently as her eyes darted back and forth between his. “I want you to know I’m here.”

Warmth flooded his chest and he just smiled softly, leaning forward to kiss the tip of her nose. “I know, Sweetheart. ‘Preciate it.” His smile grew as she scrunched her nose in that adorable way of hers. Gods, she was perfect. “Just wanna forget about it now, though.” Even if he knew how to tell her, he was entirely too tired for such a heavy conversation. 

She nodded, giving him a soft smile that seemed to say, ‘ _I understand_ ’. “Turn over,” she said, gesturing with her chin. He raised an eyebrow, unsure of what she had in mind, but he didn’t have it in him to question or resist it. So he did as he was told, twisting in her arms until his back was to her. 

Leia slid her arm around his side, trailing her hand over his chest and pulling herself flush against his back. _Oh._ She’d never held him before. And as she threw her leg over his hips, her nose and lips grazing the back of his neck, he realized he’d never let anyone hold him like this. In fact, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d let someone comfort him. It was… _nice_. 

He took a deep breath, his body sagging back into hers. His throat suddenly felt thick, overwhelmed by Leia’s concern and care. Taking her hand in his, he pulled it up to press a kiss to her knuckles.

“Leia?” She hummed. “I love you,” he said, his voice coming out a little more jagged than he expected.

“I know,” she murmured, brushing her lips against the back of his neck. “I love you too.” Warmth suffused throughout his limbs and he held her hand tight to his chest as he closed his eyes. For now, it was enough to know Leia would be there when he was finally ready.

  
**═══════════════**  


A few nights later, Leia was thrust back into consciousness by her own nightmare. More of a bad dream, really; ‘nightmare’ was reserved for the nights when she couldn’t fight back. ‘Bad dreams’ just left her exhausted and wrung out, not feeling completely helpless. She rolled towards the center of the pallet, seeking out Han, but was only met with emptiness. Reaching out blindly, she patted the sheets and his pillow. Only the faintest traces of residual heat still lingered. She frowned, sitting up and pushing her hair back from her face as she scrutinized the dark room. The ‘fresher light bled out from under the closed door and the rush of water could be heard. She chewed on her lip as she considered checking on him—he’d been… _off_ lately. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, and it wasn’t like him not to sleep through the night.

She checked her discarded chrono and decided to give him ten minutes. And just as she was debating whether or not it would be an ambush if she snuck in, the water stopped and a few moments later, the door opened as the light cut off. 

Han jumped and swore under his breath as he stepped into the room. 

“Sorry,” she said, shifting and hugging her knees to her chest. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” She didn’t mention that he wasn’t normally this jumpy. 

“S’alright,” he grunted, going back to toweling his hair as he stood at the bottom of the pallet. Why he’d taken a shower, she could only guess. “Didn’t mean t’wake you.” 

Leia shook her head, taking him in. “You didn’t.” A spark of heat bloomed in her abdomen as she noticed the way the moonlight caught the water still clinging to his naked body. She swallowed and pushed the feeling down: now was not the time. “You alright?” Her own insomnia was nothing new; the same couldn’t be said for him.

“Yeah, uh...couldn’t sleep,” he muttered, dropping the towel on the floor before climbing back into bed. She narrowed her eyes, trying to suppress a lingering sense of irritation. He reclined against the pillows with one of his hands behind his head, reaching up with the other to run his knuckles up and down her side. “What woke y’up?”

She eyed him for another long moment, not missing the fact that he’d deliberately misunderstood her question. She huffed out a quiet breath, deciding to just go with it. Maybe he’d open up. Going at Han’s feelings with a force bar rarely paid off. “Bad dream,” she said, shrugging. “Same shit, different night. They’re mostly just annoying now.” She rested her cheek against her knees, studying him in the moonlight. 

He raised an eyebrow, silent as he considered her, like he was trying to determine if she was lying. “Just a bad dream?” 

“Just a bad dream,” she said, smiling softly as she nodded. Of course he was worried about her, even when he was having his own problems.

“Sorry I wasn’t here,” he whispered gruffly, a furrow forming between his brows. 

She rolled her eyes and unfolded her legs, stretching out beside him. “You’re here now,” she murmured against his jaw.

Han turned to catch her lips with his, one hand wrapping around her waist. Her breath caught as he turned on his side, pulling her body flush to his. _Oh._ A muffled sound of surprise escaped her lips. He slid a hand down her back and over the swell of her hip, calluses gently dragging across her skin. She shivered. 

Intent on confirming that he was alright, she opened her mouth, but he only seemed to take that as an invitation to sweep his tongue into her mouth. Either that or he was willfully ignorant. 

He tasted of mint and she couldn’t hold back a small whimper as he tugged at the back of her knee—asking a silent question—one her body was begging to answer. He delved into her mouth with a desperate hunger, like a man stranded in the deserts of Tatooine offered his first sip of cold water. Devoured her like she was his first meal in weeks. His wanton need was making her lightheaded. 

She shouldn’t give in. Han had never made love to her like this. Not their first time or among the trees of Endor or in his bunk as they returned from Bakura. His desire threatened to consume her, burn her away to ash. She pulled away, breaking the kiss and placing a firm hand to his chest, but he only chased her, his teeth grazing her jaw and eliciting another shiver. “Han—”

“ _Please,_ ” he whispered against her neck. Strange, how one simple word could sound so jagged, so—raw and desperate. Her heart clenched. “I need you.” He nipped at that spot just below her ear, the one that never failed to make her weak and pliable; heat exploded in the pit of her stomach and there was no way she could’ve stifled the moan he pulled from her as he pressed his hips to hers. “ _Leia._ ”

Her resolve crumbled and she nodded. How could she possibly deny him? Especially when he sounded like _that_ and kissed her with such naked desire. “Okay,” she soothed, sliding her leg over his hip and pulling him with her as she rolled onto her back. “Okay.” 

His relief was nearly palpable as he slipped a hand between her legs, his arousal pressed against her hip, hard and hot, and she arched her head back as he nipped at her throat. His own desperation seemed to leach into her as his fingers circled her clit, only instead of pleasure, it only made her irritated—an uncomfortable itch that was going to make her crawl out of her skin soon. 

She nudged his arm with her leg. “Just take me,” she said in a hoarse rasp. Han made a choked sound as he pulled back to gaze at her, a question in his eyes. But whatever he saw in her face must have satisfied it because he nodded before settling between her legs. The moment he took to align himself with her seemed to stretch out forever as his cock brushed against her clit, filling her with a bone deep ache before he finally thrust inside her in one swift stroke. 

Her nails bit into his back as he bottomed out and she stifled a moan in his shoulder. _Goddess._ She’d never imagined that pain could feel so good. Han nuzzled her neck, nudging her chin with his nose to allow him better access to her throat. She tipped her head back, running her hands up and down his back as he thrust into her, setting a pace that was far from gentle but not quite rough either. She had been fucked by Han before and this? This wasn’t it. This was too tender, too vulnerable. His body seemed to vibrate with raw _need_ as he clutched at her hip, her shoulder, anything he could hold onto as he trailed reverent kisses from her neck to her collarbone. 

“Leia,” he whispered into her skin, tongue darting out to trace a line up the column of her throat. “ _Leia,_ ” like her name was a prayer and she was his salvation. “Oh, Leia,” he said again, voice so full of yearning that it made her heart ache. What did he need? What was going on? She’d give anything to know how to soothe him. 

“I’m here,” she murmured, stroking a hand down his spine. “Han, I’m here.” He nipped at her neck in reply, pulling a whimper from her lips before running his tongue over the spot and pressing a featherlight kiss to it. Her muscles clenched around him, arching her hips into his as she sought more friction; he groaned into her neck, driving into her harder and giving her just what she’d been silently asking for. 

And so it went—he whispered her name in that same ragged, lost tone, nipping and sucking at her neck before soothing the skin with lips and tongue. She answered him with _I’m here, Han_ and _I love you, Han_ or _I’ve got you, Han_ between breathy moans and quiet whimpers. 

But even as Han pushed her closer to the edge, concern for him still gnawed at the back of her mind, keeping from completely letting go— _What is it? What’s wrong, Han? **Let me in,**_ she silently pleaded into the void. 

What she wasn’t expecting was for the void to answer back. 

A wave of despair slammed over her, dousing every last spark of pleasure. She gasped as her mind suddenly felt foreign and not wholly her own as she clutched at Han’s shoulders. She bit down on her lip, struggling to breathe past the hopelessness that wedged under her ribcage like a vibroblade. The sweat that clung to her skin felt cold and a desperate need for Han clawed at her chest; she needed him like she needed air in her lungs and blood in her veins. If she let go, surely she’d be lost—drifting in the vast emptiness of space. And the self-hatred...it was familiar in its intensity and utterly alien at the same time.

Leia wasn’t sure whether mere seconds or minutes passed before Han stilled and rolled off of her. All she really cared about was that whatever the fuck had just happened had stopped. 

She could practically feel the connection snap, leaving her with a moment of blessed silence and emptiness before her mind began racing, but at least it was her own again. _Han’s_ thoughts were his own. She shivered. What in nine hells just _happened_?

Han’s rough voice broke past her internal freakout. “Y’alright?” he murmured, pulling the sheets over her before rolling on his side to press a kiss to her shoulder, his hand sliding over her stomach and around her waist. She only just kept herself from recoiling from him, knowing he wouldn’t want to be so intimate if he was aware of what she’d just done. 

Leia mustered up a smile, using every ounce of willpower she had to make it believable. Fooling Han was nearly impossible but she could do it. “Better than alright,” she lied, cupping his cheek as she pushed down her self-disgust. Goddess, only Vader rummaged through people’s heads. “I just need a moment in the ‘fresher.” Thank the Goddess that wasn’t anything unusual.

“M’kay,” he rumbled, settling back into the pillows with a smile. It took everything she had not to bolt and slam the ‘fresher door shut. It wasn’t until she was standing in front of the mirror washing her hands that a wave of nausea hit her. What had she _done_? She stared back at her reflection, feeling like her flesh was crawling. 

_Disgusting._

_Dirty._

_Repulsive._

**Stop.** She dug her nails into her palms.

Leia’s throat burned as she frantically looked around for something big enough to cover the mirror. She seized a towel and hurriedly tucked it around the edges of the coated transparisteel.

She made herself take a deep breath, finding it a little easier to breathe now that the mirror was covered, but disgust still crawled and scratched beneath her skin. Grabbing the soap, she scrubbed at her hands until they were red, rinsing them under scalding water as if she might be able to cleanse herself of this awful feeling if the water was hot enough. 

A dull throbbing sensation began just behind her eyes. She squeezed them shut and backed up until her back hit the cool tile, sliding down the wall until she was sitting with her knees pulled against her chest. But the brush of her breast against her legs only made the fact that she was still naked glaringly obvious. The self loathing reared its ugly head again and her stomach roiled. Clothes, she needed clothes. She needed to cover up. 

She crawled over to the closet and picked through the dirty clothes hamper. Dirty clothes were infinitely better than wanting to claw her own skin off to escape the disgust and nausea swirling in her stomach. Or worse, alarming Han by racing out to get her own clothes. He’d at least seemed somewhat settled and with any luck, he’d just fall asleep.

 _At least his lack of sleep would be good for something._ But as soon as the thought crossed her mind, she felt guilty. Something wasn’t right with Han and she wouldn’t wish nightmares and intrusive thoughts on anyone. She found a pair of his sweatpants that didn’t smell too dirty and one of his shirts with minimal grease stains. At least it had long sleeves. 

Tugging the shirt over her head, she breathed a little easier. But now that her immediate concerns were taken care of, she couldn’t push aside the nagging thoughts about what had happened. 

She was nearly certain she really had tapped into Han’s thoughts. Felt his fear and despair as if it were her own. She swallowed past the lump in her throat, shivering as she felt phantom hands on her body. 

_Bruising hands seized her arms and hauled her upright. Vader’s mask loomed above her, the mechanical sound of his respirator filling her ears. ‘Where is the Rebel base?’ He placed a leather clad hand mere centims from her face._

_‘Go to hell,’ she spat, pouring as much venom and vitriol as she could manage into her voice. All she had were words now._

Leia dug her nails into her arms, firmly telling herself she was on Kashyyyk. She was safe. Vader was dead.

_He had the nerve to laugh, and that’s when the pain started. At first it was only a dull throb at her temples but it soon built up into a piercing pain as he tore through her mind, seeking the answers she would not give him._

_She refused to cry out, instead thinking of her mother and her endless strength and her father’s quiet determination. She thought of the palace in the mountains, the crystalline lakes. Winter braiding her hair after applying their monthly hair treatment. Dull and mundane things. Useless and meaningless to anyone but her. Things she stood to lose if she failed. She would not be the downfall of the Rebellion. She would not destroy all the hard work and countless sacrifices of others. She would die first._

_Her skull felt like it was going to implode. Surely something was going to rupture in her brain. Maybe it already had. She didn’t care. As long as the Rebellion was safe. Her knees slammed against something hard and her head made a sickening crack as it connected with the ground._

_‘Useless princess,’ Vader muttered as he stepped over her body, the edge of his cape brushing her cheek in a dark parody of a caress._

Air. She needed air. Her heart pounded against her ribs in a bruising rhythm as she pushed herself up and waved off the light before she opened the small frosted window, thankful for her petite stature for once. And Chewie’s wraparound porch. Goddess bless Wookiees and their love of the outdoors. Not that it would have been the first time she’d scaled walls and escaped through windows.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han and Leia struggle to communicate with each other, but as always, their love for each other wins out in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Finally_ , I have completed this fic. Thank you for being so patient with me Gilliana, I hope you enjoy this second and final chapter.
> 
> A _humongous_ thank you to my beta, [Elle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elle_vee/pseuds/elle_vee). I couldn't have finished this without your support. 
> 
> A playlist for this fic can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6x8dlc192rBRDEMrW4Hdtr?si=ySxb1WqFSZOg197GhuJZJg).
> 
> Please note that the tags have changed. Han discusses his abusive childhood, in which he references physical and emotional abuse. Take care when reading this fic.

Leia breathed deeply, taking in the heavy humidity of the surrounding jungle and the damp air clinging to her exposed skin. It ought to be stifling, but there was something indescribably comforting about it. 

She forced herself to take another deep breath as she tried to let the tranquil setting calm while she quietly paced around the wraparound porch. Despite the drastically different landscapes and climates, Kashyyyk had always reminded her of home with the way the Wookiees carefully built their bungalows around the Wroshyr trees. They worked in unison with the environment rather than brutally shaping it to their needs, just like her people had built their homes into the mountains. Ever since Alderaan had been destroyed, Kashyyyk was the closest she’d ever come to that abstract familiarity and safety one could only describe as _home_. It was different and it wasn’t quite the same—cloying humidity and sandy beaches as opposed to crisp mountain air and glassy lakes. But it was close enough to dull the ever-present ache in her chest. 

After maybe the tenth lap around the sleeping house, she felt a little more in control; the persistent memories of the Death Star no longer quite so loud. But she was nowhere near ready to go back inside—just the mere thought of getting back into bed with Han was enough to send her anxiety skyrocketing. So she kept walking, focusing on the sounds of the nightlife and the spicy scent of night blooming flora as she untwisted the hair tie securing her threaded braid. 

Strands had come out during sleep and sex and she ran her fingers through the thick tresses, gently untangling the knots. Her mind drifted back to earlier in the evening—before everything had gone to hell. Han was beginning to get the hang of the threaded braids she used for sleep. Granted, she’d only just begun to let him take her hair down and put it up again. But it was already starting to become part of their nightly routine—Han asking if he could brush out her hair, trying and failing to cover the nervous but excited edge in his voice while a girlish giddiness tickled in the pit of her stomach. 

And the look on his face when she handed him the brush—he always got so serious, a little furrow appearing between his brow. He’d been so determined to learn how to braid her hair for sleep, and not just a simple three-stranded braid, but the way she did it. The way her parents had done it. 

She sighed, leaning on the railing and closing her eyes against the dull ache in her chest, the sharp edges of her grief worn down over the years. It was all just so exhausting.

**───────────────**

Leia had lost track of the number of laps she’d taken around the house when she turned a corner and only just managed to keep herself from screaming. As it was, a small squeak still escaped as her heart thundered in her chest.

[“Apologies, Little Bird, it wasn’t my intention to frighten you.”] Malla said, picking up one of the mugs from the small table next to her, half-rising from her seat as she offered it to Leia. 

Leia glanced at the sky, several shades lighter than it had been when she’d crawled out the window. “Thank you, Malla,” she said, accepting the mug and inhaling the sweet, fruity scent. “I hope I didn’t wake you with my pacing.” What horrible guests she and Han must be, always up and awake at all hours of the night. 

Malla settled back into her rocking chair with a creak. [“Not at all. I was having trouble sleeping and finally gave up on trying. Are you alright, Little Bird?”] Leia leaned back against one of the wide support columns as she considered Chewie’s mate. Leia may not be as familiar with her as she was with Chewie and Han, but her eyes were so _kind_. And Leia was so unbelievably tired. 

“No,” she admitted quietly, staring down into her mug. Malla nodded in her peripheral vision but remained quiet, clearly waiting for Leia to continue. “Did Chewbacca tell you what I found out about my biological parents?” Malla shook her head and Leia took a deep breath. “Well, ‘parent’, rather,” she murmured. “Vader is my biological father.” Bile rose up in her throat and her eyes burned with unshed tears as she gripped her mug so tightly that her knuckles turned white. 

[“That has nothing to do with who you are as a sentient being, Little Bird. It is just biology; your intentions and actions are what matters,”] Malla growled gently, though there was an underlying edge to it as she stared squarely at Leia. 

“I know. I _know_ that theoretically and it’s what everyone keeps telling me but—” she swallowed hard, still fighting back tears and struggling to find the words to explain this all-consuming fear and pure _rage_ that had taken up residence in her chest since Luke had told her. “But it means I have his power. I am capable of _horrible_ things.” Leia sat her mug down and buried her face in her hands. “And I am so _scared_.”

The rocking chair groaned as Malla leaned forward, her tone [“Just because you are capable of such monstrosities, that doesn’t mean you’re a horrible being. Power is just power, it’s what you do with it that matters.”]

“But I am so _angry_ ,” Leia said, a sob escaping her throat. “ _All_ the time. And the _hatred _. It’s always there, from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. And even then, it seeps into my dreams like poison. *I’m* poison.” She struggled to regulate her breathing, the humidity in the air suddenly suffocating. The floorboards creaked and Malla wrapped her arms around Leia, pulling her close to her chest.__

__[“You’re far from poisonous, Little Bird. Look at all things you’ve done with that anger. You’ve led a rebellion and kept it alive.”] Leia shook her head, tried to disagree. Malla shushed her, holding her tighter. [“No, listen to me. _Listen_ , Little Bird. You have toppled an empire and you are going to raise something so much better in its place.”]_ _

__Leia shook her head again. “That wasn’t me. None of it’s me. It’s beings like Han and Chewie and Luke. I’m just a figurehead,” she said in between ragged sobs. “And I’ve done horrible things—thought about horrible things.” Leia hated her words, hated herself, but once they started coming out, she was unable to stop the flood of confessions. She told Malla everything, from the sick satisfaction she’d gotten from strangling Jabba to the fantasies about torturing Vader like he’d tortured her and the appalling disappointment that she hadn’t been the one to kill him. She told Malla about breaking into Han’s mind and every other thing that went against her upbringing—everything that wasn’t the person her parents had raised. Perhaps that was what hurt most, feeling more and more like the daughter of Darth Vader when she laid out all her moral shortcomings, rather than the daughter of Bail and Breha Organa. Never had she felt further from the person her parents had raised her to be._ _

__Malla only squeezed her tighter, running a hand over her hair until Leia’s sobs quieted. [“Oh, Little Bird,”] she growled softly, rocking Leia from side to side. [“None of these things make you a bad person and they certainly do not make you like the Sith Lord. Do you know how I know this?”] Leia shook her head, a small hiccup escaping her throat. [“Because you feel remorse. You’re worried about becoming a bad person, so much so that you hate yourself. Do you think the Sith Lord cared when he went digging through beings’ minds? Do you think he felt remorse for all the things he’d done?”]_ _

__“Luke said he did, in the end.” Whether Leia personally believed it was beside the point._ _

__Malla made a derisive sound deep in her chest. [“I do not believe a few moments of remorse makes up for a lifetime of evil.”]_ _

__“I don’t feel guilty about Jabba,” Leia murmured, not looking Malla in the eye, shame hanging heavy on her shoulders._ _

__[“Jabba was the scum of the galaxy. He was a slaver and a criminal and the galaxy is a better place without him in it,”] Malla growled._ _

__“That’s not how justice is supposed to work.” It went against everything she believed in, everything she fought and bled for. Was ready to _die_ for. How could she believe in justice and due process and not feel any sort of remorse for ending a sentient’s life simply because he’d enslaved her and threatened the people she loved? What kind of leader did that make her?_ _

__Malla pulled back enough to look Leia in the eye but still kept her arms around her. [“No, but the situation isn’t so cut and dry, Little Bird. I would not tear yourself up over someone like Jabba Desilijic,”] she growled sternly. Leia nodded slowly, thinking about everything Malla had said. She wasn’t quite sure she believed the Wookiee, but Malla was one of the kindest beings she knew._ _

__“Do you think Han will understand?” she asked quietly. “Do you think he’ll forgive me?”_ _

__[“Cub loves you more than the stars themselves,”] Malla rumbled gently, reaching up to dry Leia’s cheeks. [“I do not think accidentally using the Force on him will tear the two of you apart. Especially if you are honest with him.”]_ _

__"He's been keeping me at a distance lately," Leia admitted quietly. "I don't know what's wrong and he won't talk to me." She wanted to tell Malla about the nightmare and the emotional turmoil she’d felt through the Force, but those were not hers to disclose._ _

__Malla whuffed out a sigh. [“Cub is...he is not one to seek help even if he needs it. Sometimes you must force him to let you in. It’s not because he does not love you. He is just stubborn and self-sacrificing.”]_ _

__Leia snorted, the corner of her mouth ticking up, wholeheartedly agreeing with Malla’s assessment. She nodded, smoothing her hair back from her face and clearing her throat. “Thank you, Malla,” she said, looking up at the Wookiee with a smile. “I’m sorry I totally lost it on you.”_ _

__[“There is no need to apologize, Little Bird,”] she growled, cupping Leia’s face softly. [“I am happy to have helped and be entrusted with your concerns.”] She paused, considering Leia for a moment before speaking again, her tone hesitant. [“At the risk of overstepping, I was wondering if I might braid your hair for you. Grooming is one way we care for one another and I think you could use it.”]_ _

__Leia inhaled sharply, tears filling her eyes once more. “I would love that very much,” she said, swallowing hard. Malla bared her teeth in a Wookiee smile. “Hair and grooming are very important in my culture too.” Especially among women. Her heart ached for home, but for once, it lacked it’s usual jagged edge._ _

__[“I will be back with a comb,”] Malla growled, hugging Leia tight once more before letting her go and shuffling inside. Leia smiled after her before turning to the lightening sky as some early morning animal began squawking._ _

____

**───────────────**

Han rubbed his eyes sleepily as he went in search of Leia. Upon waking up this morning, he’d had the strange sense of walking into a temporal loop. Not only had he woken up alone, Leia’s side of the bed cold, but there had been a towel over the mirror too. It was like the trip to Bespin all over again—before Leia had allowed herself to let go and let him in.

He wanted to kick himself for falling asleep last night; it wasn’t like he’d intentionally done it, but he’d just been so fucking tired. If Leia really hadn’t come back to bed last night, he should have been there for her, dammit. Gods only know what happened, because he sure as hells didn’t.

Movement outside a window caught his eye. The two women were out on the porch together. Leia was perched on the railing, drowning in his clothes and Malla was doing her hair in some intricate and complex braid. He tried to smother the jealousy burning in his chest. It was good for Leia; she needed a maternal figure and Malla was happy to mother anyone who would let her. 

But there was a reason Leia hadn’t woken him up last night.

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, going down to start the kaffe.

**───────────────**

Han flipped a couple of switches, checking all the readouts on the control panel after they entered hyperspace. Everything seemed in order and they’d gotten out of Kashyyyk just fine on their way to pick up Luke. Well, everything to do with his ship seemed fine. He eyed Leia in the copilot’s seat as she tapped a few controls.

She’d been quiet yesterday, distant, and after dinner, she’d gone to bed early. But what kept nagging at him was the way she’d flinched away from him yesterday. He’d just reached out to kiss the top of her head like he always did and she’d let him. But she’d still pulled away before stopping herself. The moment played over and over in his mind and it’d been all he’d been able to think about last night as he’d lain awake. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized she hadn’t initiated contact with him all day. The trend had carried over into today too. 

So he ran through everything obsessively, trying to figure out what had—

“Han,” she said, breaking through his panicking. 

He turned to her, pretending to fiddle with a control. “Yeah?”

She pushed her seat back, leaning back and pulling a knee up to her chest. “Spit it out, Nerfherder. Preferably before you injure yourself.” 

“Uh,” he said lamely, narrowing his eyes as he tried to pin down her tone. She raised an eyebrow. Might as well be direct. “You doin’ alright?”

Her eyes widened slightly before she reined in her expression. “Of course. Are _you_ alright?” 

“Yeah. Just worried about you,” he said quietly. 

“Why?” she asked, hugging her knee to her chest. 

“Well, I saw the towel yesterday.” He’d left it up in case it had been intentional but she must have taken it down because it’d been gone when he’d gone to brush his teeth. “Thought that was gettin’ better.” If she covered mirrors these days, she always uncovered them before leaving. 

Leia looked down at her boots, shrugging. “It was,” she said, wincing. “It _is_. Sometimes I…” She shook her head slightly, picking at her shirt sleeve. “I just had a bad ni—morning.” Her face blanched as she looked up at him. So something had happened after he’d fallen asleep. _Dammit._ He clenched his jaw. “What about you; are _you_ alright?” she asked, raising her chin.

“Y’asked me that already.” Han narrowed his eyes—she wasn’t usually so transparent when trying to change the subject. “‘M fine. But I was askin’ about you. Did y’have a nightmare or somethin’?”

Her lips thinned as she pressed them together. “No. And what if I don’t want to talk about me?” she said, raising her chin slightly as she squared her shoulders. 

Han shrugged, guessing there wasn’t much he could do about it if she didn’t want to talk. “Then I guess we don’t have t’talk about it. Not gonna force you. But I _am_ worried about you, Leia.”

She inhaled deeply, her expression flattening. “You said that already. am worried about _you_.”

“Why?” Han pulled out a tool kit and got up to sit in the nav jumpseat, turning to face the rear console. Might as well fix the faulty sensor while he had nothing better to do. 

Leia scoffed and he heard the creak of her seat as she shifted and turned. “Gee, I wonder. Maybe it’s because you’re wound tighter than a two credit chrono or the fact that you’re not sleeping or the nightmares. Or maybe we should talk about the fact that you _won’t_ fucking talk about any of it.”

He ground his teeth, determined not to snap at her. She was falling back on old habits, lashing out and trying to push people away. “One.”

“What?” she snapped. 

“One nightmare. Only had one.” Didn’t mean his waking hours were a joy either though, and she was right. He hadn’t slept much the whole time they’d been on Kashyyyk. 

“That really wasn’t my point,” she muttered, the chair squeaking as she got up and stood over him, crossing her arms. ”You can’t keep pretending nothing’s wrong. You can’t just bury your dick anywhere and hope it all goes away. It doesn’t work like that; if it did, Bespin wouldn’t have been the first time you got me in your bunk.”

“Wasn’t aware you had a dick,” he said, clenching and unclenching his jaw as heat crept up the back of his neck. 

She huffed, turning to leave the cockpit. “Fine. Don’t fucking talk,” she spat.

“No!” he yelled, throwing down the servodriver as he leapt to his feet. “Don’t fucking run away!” Dammit. He had to get better control of his anger. But it wasn’t easy when she was raring for a fight. 

She spun on her heel to face him, her eyes bright and burning. “Oh, that’s really rich coming from you,” she sneered.

“Well I’m here now, so why don’t y’tell me what it was I did to piss y’off so badly!” 

“I have!” Her voice filled the corridor, making the already small space absolutely suffocating. “But you’re not here! You haven’t been here for over a week! And you pretend nothing’s wrong. You pretend that you’re fine, but you’re not! I know! I can feel it!”

“What d’you mean, y’can _feel_ it?” What in nine hells was she talking about?

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, her expression stricken. “Never mind,” she muttered, turning and walking away. 

Han lunged after her, grabbing hold of her arm just above the elbow. “ _No_ , you _do not_ run,” he growled. 

“Do not. _Grab_. Me,” she said, her voice equally as low and even more menacing as she wrenched her arm from his grasp, baring her teeth. 

Every ounce of self-preservation was screaming at him to back off, but he was too pissed to care right now. “You _do not_ get to run.” He knew there was a reason why he shouldn’t grab her, but it was buried under a million other thoughts. 

Leia took a deep breath, her chest swelling as she drew herself up to her full height, filling the corridor with her presence. Her eyes glinted dangerously, her face tinged pink. “Go fuck yourself.” 

His head snapped back as she turned on her heel and stalked off. Leia’s profanity had deflated the anger burning in his chest and no matter how much he wanted to go after her, he knew she needed to be left alone. And he had to get a better handle on his own feelings.

**───────────────**

After several hours and one fixed sensor later, Han decided it would be okay to go looking for Leia. But she wasn’t in the main hold, nor in any of the circuitry bays. He listened at the base of the ladder leading to the ventral gun turret—the one place he never bothered her; if that’s where she was, he wasn’t going to start trespassing now. But it was far too silent for her to be hiding out there. He shook his head as he headed for the crew cabin, feeling like he’d stepped in a temporal loop yet again. It had taken him longer than he cared to admit to figure out all her little hiding spots on _his_ ship.

Except she’d never used to hang out in the captain's cabin. One corner of his mouth quirked up as he took her in, curled up in his bunk and writing on her datapad. She looked up, eyeing him cautiously as he lingered on the threshold. Cocking an eyebrow, he held up a mug of her favorite tea.

She nodded, shifting and pressing herself into the far corner of the bunk. “It’s your cabin; you don’t have to ask permission.”

Han walked over, handing her the mug. “Don’t wanna make assumptions.” He didn’t mention how somewhere along the way, he’d started thinking of it as _theirs_. 

She accepted the mug, wrapping her hands around it and holding it to her chest as she tapped the mattress with her foot. He sat on the edge, his heart aching as she drew her legs up and away from him. 

“Leia...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have grabbed you.” He could only pray it hadn’t affected her too badly. 

“No, you shouldn’t have,” she said quietly, looking down into her mug. “But my own behavior was reprehensible.”

Han scoffed. “Doesn’t give me a right t’grab you.” He _knew_ not to grab her, but he’d done it anyway simply because he’d been pissed.

“I know that, but...these things don’t happen in a vacuum. Just...try not to do it again, and I’ll try not to be such a raging bitch in the future,” she muttered, rubbing a hand over her face. 

The corners of his mouth turned down. “You weren’t...you’re not—” He shook his head, his words all tangled. “Obviously somethin’s goin’ on. I know you’re not usually like that. ‘M just worried about you. And it’s not an accusation; I just mean I know you’re not havin’ an easy time with anythin’ lately.” Han decided to just shut his mouth while he was ahead.

“No,” she said, smiling softly at him. Warmth flickered in his chest. “I’m not having an easy time, but that’s not exactly anything new. I don’t think you’re having an easy time either.”

Han looked down at his hands, picking idly at his pants. “No, I suppose you’re right, but s’not your problem.”

She tilted her head slightly, her eyes full of warmth and fondness. “Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I thought being in a relationship meant not having to be alone with your troubles.”

He gave her a crooked smile in return. “S’pose you’re right.” It just didn’t feel right to unload all his problems on her when she was already going through so much. He was supposed to be the one thing that didn’t cause her problems. 

Leia took a sip of tea, eyeing him levelly. “It would seem we’re both having trouble with that aspect.” He nodded, unsure how else to reply. They stared at each other silently for a few long moments before she sighed. 

“The night before last,” she began, shifting and clutching her mug tighter, “while we were having sex...somehow I accidentally used the Force to...well ‘read’ isn’t exactly the right word.” She chewed on her lip, staring down into her tea and her knuckles were white from gripping it so hard. His stomach turned and twisted in on itself as he waited for her to continue. Leia’s relationship with her powers was complicated to say the least. “‘Access’. I… _accessed_ your mind through the Force.”

Han stared at her for a few moments, trying to process what she was saying. “Y’alright?” What a stupid question. Obviously she wasn’t okay. 

Her eyebrows rose as her eyes widened. “I tell you I tapped into your _mind_ and you’re asking _me_ if _I’m **alright**_?”

“I mean, I don’t really want t’have ‘nyone else in my head but if it’s gonna happen, I’d rather it be you. ‘Sides, it’s not like you purposely went pokin’ around,” he said with a shrug. 

Leia spluttered incoherently for a moment, staring at him incredulously. “How can you be so kriffing calm?!” 

Han shrugged again. His lack of concern about the incident was a little surprising to him too, but he couldn’t really care less that Leia had accidentally used the Force on him. He was more concerned about how she was dealing with it and considering her response, he was right to be concerned. “It’s not that big a deal. ‘Sides, even if I was mad or betrayed or whatever it is you’re expecting, you’re gonna beat yourself up better’n I ever could.” 

“So...you forgive me?” She asked, looking up at him through her eyelashes as she chewed on her lip.

His eyes widened this time. “Leia, Sweetheart, what’s there t’forgive? Did you purposely go rummaging through my head?” She shook her head. “Did y’manipulate my thoughts?” Again, she shook her head. “Then I don’t see what there is to forgive,” he said gently, reaching out to comfort her. She flinched away from him before grimacing and as she did, something clicked in his brain. “Is _that_ why you haven’t let me touch you?”

She bit down on her bottom lip as she nodded, looking down into her tea once more. “I didn’t want it to happen again.” 

Han sighed and held his hand out for her palm up, “C’mon, Princess. I don’t want y’afraid of me.”

“It’s not you I’m afraid of,” she said, eyeing his hand before looking up at him. 

He desperately wanted to just wrap her up in his arms and hold her tight. But she needed to come to him. Gods, he wanted to kick himself for falling asleep. She’d been tearing herself up over this for nearly two days and he’d been oblivious. “What’ll help then?”

She went back to staring at his hand and chewing on her lip. “I don’t know. I guess I ought to talk to Luke.” 

“Probably a good start,” he said, nodding. Luke had been bugging Leia to let him train her and Leia continued to resist. She wanted nothing to do with her genetic inheritance, but it seemed to not be giving her choice at this point. His arm was starting to ache, but he pushed it aside. 

Finally, she tentatively placed her hand in his, sliding her fingers across his palm. Her shoulders relaxed as she blew out a shaky breath. He offered her a smile, curling his fingers around her hand. Her hand seemed so small in his, he’d never really noticed just how tiny. “I don’t want to be like Vader,” she admitted quietly. 

He sighed, tugging on her hand. “C’mere, Sweetheart.” She set the tea on the shipping crate–turned nightstand and curled into his side. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her legs over his lap and held her close, tucking her head under his chin. Leia sighed, nuzzling his chest and slipping a hand under the hem of his shirt to rest it on his waist, her hand hot from holding her tea. “You’re nothing like that sadistic fuck,” he said firmly. 

She snorted, running her thumb over his last couple of ribs. “He was someone once. Before he became Darth Vader.”

“I don’t care if he was a kriffing bleeding heart, doesn’t change what he did to you or anyone else,” he said, rubbing his hand up and down her back. 

“I know, me either. But he was _someone_ before he turned. Evidently he loved and was loved. Or at least that’s what General Kenobi says,” she muttered.

“D’y’believe him?” He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Leia was communicating with the dead. 

Leia shrugged. “Luke does. But he also believes Vader redeemed himself, which is utter banthashit in my opinion.”

“Luke’s questionable opinions aside, I don’t think you have it in you to go all dark lord of the Sith. Y’care too much. You love too much. You’re just too…*good*. All that anger and hatred y’feel...well for one, y’got a right to be angry. Y’got a right to hate that bastard. But...it’s good that you’re angry. It shows you care. Anger and hatred isn’t the enemy here. It’s apathy. It’s seein’ somethin’ horrible and doing nothing about it. And b’sides, you *do* somethin’ constructive with that anger.” 

She hummed, still stroking his ribs. “Han Solo, philosopher,” she said, poking his side with a smile in her voice. He scoffed. “What about ‘fear and anger and hatred are paths to the Dark Side?’”

Han scoffed again. “How many Jedi you see walkin’ around these days?”

“Mmmm, one.”

“Exactly, so go ahead and tell me how their teachings worked out for ‘em.”

She shifted onto an elbow as she pulled back to look up up him seriously. “I’m not saying they knew everything, but what if they _are_ right about this one thing?”

“And I’m just sayin’ don’t go mad over the tenets of some extinct group of glorified monks, Sweetheart,” he said, cupping her cheek. “They’re _gone_ , nothin’ more ‘n a legend. Couldn’t have been all that great if y’ask me. Always thought if somethin’ falls like that, deserves to be brought down. Things don’t just collapse cuz they’re strong. They collapse cuz there’s somethin’ wrong with th’structural integrity.” He supposed he shouldn’t be so harsh on the Kid’s religion, but it really struck a nerve that Leia was so frightened of ending up like Vader simply because some old dead guys deemed her too emotional. “‘Sides, that’s a real black and white way of lookin’ at the galaxy. Life ain’t so cut and dry.”

“You would have fit right in on Alderaan,” she murmured, smiling as she snuggled closer and brushed her lips against his throat. 

Han snorted, pressing a kiss into her hair. “Been to Alderaan, Sweetheart. Stuck out like a sore thumb.” No, he was too harsh and rough for her polished gem of a planet. 

“Not what I meant. Questioning, disagreement, debate, they were considered an unofficial cornerstone of society.” She paused and he could almost feel her frown into his neck. “ _Are._ They _are_ seen as an essential part of a healthy community. Government.” 

“No wonder they were gonna make you Queen then.” The words were out of his mouth before he could properly think through the ramifications. “Sorry, I didn’t—“ 

She sniggered, poking his ribs playfully. “Don’t. It’s...nice to be able to talk about it without everyone treating it like it’s forbidden territory. Besides, I will happily accept the title of Queen of the Arguments.” 

“You’re missing one thing, Sweetheart,” he said, gently poking her side.

Leia pulled back to glance up at him, her smile soft and eyes warm. “What’s that?”

“Too married to my blaster.” Having to give up his blaster to enter the planet had felt so wrong. And that was before the war. 

“And what if you were married to me instead?” He watched as her expression changed from warm contentment to wide-eyed horror. It was rather comical even if her words had thoroughly blindsided him. “Sorry, I—“

“Don’t apologize. S’not like I haven’t thought about it.” Wasn’t like he didn’t have a damn ring stashed away among Chewie’s things where she’d never find it. It had been impulsive, when they were all still riding the high after Endor. And then he’d lost his nerve. 

Her expression softened into a tentative smile. Hopeful. “You have?”

“Mhmm,” he said nodding, warmth curling in his stomach even as it did nervous little flips. “Not everyday someone like you comes around, Princess.” Someone that cared whether he lived or died. Someone that cared enough to come back for him. No, she was special. “So I take it y’wouldn’t be opposed if I showed up with a ring someday?”

“No, I wouldn’t.” Her smile grew and her cheeks took on a delicate pink tinge. “Someday though. When things have settled down a little more.”

He nodded, his smile matching her own. The war hadn’t been the hard part; the hard part was going to be rebuilding. “Someday,” he agreed, kissing her forehead and holding her tighter.

**───────────────**

Leia slathered moisturizer on her face, patting it in before she switched the ‘fresher lights off and joined Han in their shared bedroom. Some of the leftover tension eased as she sensed Luke meditating in the next room over. It was a relief to have him back from Tatooine, back where she knew he was safe.

Han set his datapad aside, giving her a small smile as she climbed into bed. Something was off about it though, it was a little too strained. She snuggled into his side, and he raised his arm to drape it over her side, resting his hand on her hip. “Y’smell good,” he murmured.

She snorted, poking his stomach. “Daily ‘freshers tend to have that effect.” Water had been a luxury for so many years. Now they took advantage of all the hot water they could stand. The first thing she’d indulged in when she’d had the chance was proper hair and skincare products. 

“Nah, y’always smelled good. ‘S just different now. Flowery. I like it.” Leia smiled to herself, slipping her hand under his shirt and resting it on his stomach. “Leia?” Han asked, his voice tight.

Leia glanced up at him, the corners of her mouth turning down at his tone. “Yeah?” Her stomach twisted as she took in his expression. 

He swallowed hard, a flush rising up his neck. “Can y’hold me?”

“Of course,” she said, nodding and pulling back. “Turn over.”

Han turned on his side, with his back to her, and she scooted over to lay behind him, sliding her arm over his waist and pulling herself flush to his back. “This good?” she asked, throwing her leg over his and nuzzling the back of his neck.

He nodded, grasping her hand and holding it tight to his chest. 

“I’m here,” she whispered, kissing the back of his neck. As the silence stretched, she fought the urge to press further. She could only hope she’d gotten through to him earlier. 

Finally, her patience paid off and he spoke up. “Y’ever…’s it ever like,” he struggled for words and Leia just waited quietly, rubbing her thumb against his chest. “Are nightmares and panic attacks the only things y’deal with?”

“No, though those are probably the most obvious,” she said, thinking. “I get flashbacks when . I think you were around for a few of those.” 

“Oh yeah,” he said nodding.

“And there are times where it’s like…” she paused looking for the right words to describe the feeling. “It’s like the rest of the world gets fuzzy. Almost as though I’m dreaming but I _know_ I’m not.” 

“Do y’ever...is it ever like...you can’t stop thinkin’ about something? No matter how hard you try or...don’t wanna be thinkin’ about it?” He shifted, curling back into her.

“Sometimes? But...not really to the point where it...disrupts my daily life?” She hesitated, chewing on her lip as she considered her next question. “These thoughts...are they why you can’t sleep?” 

Han nodded. “Get ‘em during the day too. Just harder to ignore ‘em at night.” 

She squeezed him a little tighter, pressing her cheek to his shoulder blade. _Oh Han._ Her heart ached for him. “Do you think it would help if you talked about them?” 

“Dunno,” he said, shrugging. “When the world doesn’t feel real...y’ever feel like… _you_ aren’t real? Or like...you’re experiencing someone else’s feelings? Like...I dunno...probly sound nuts,” he muttered. 

“No. _No,_ you’re not crazy, Han,” she said with a little more force than she’d intended. She took a deep breath, making sure to soften her tone, “You went through something traumatic, and you’re experiencing responses to that. Whatever they may be, you’re _not_ crazy.”

“Feels like it….”

“I know,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut as tears threatened to spill over. Goddess, he sounded so exhausted and defeated. “I love you, Han and I’m here for you.”

“I shouldn’t be addin’ to your problems though. ‘M s’posed to be the one thing that’s easy. Not s’posed to be makin’ your life harder.”

Leia propped herself up on her elbow, tugging on his shoulder. “Hey, look at me.” He twisted so he was looking up at her. Even in the dim light from the moons, Leia could see the fear in his eyes. “You are not a problem,” she said firmly, pushing his hair back from his face. “Would you say I make your life harder when I wake you up with my nightmares? Or when you help me through a panic attack?”

“No, of course not!” Han said, his eyes widening and his tone adamant. “You’re the furthest thing from a burden.”

She smiled softly, warmth flooding her chest. “Then it would stand to reason that the reverse is true as well, yes?”

Han looked down, considering that for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, s’pose so,” he grunted. He rolled over, wrapping an arm around Leia’s waist as he tucked his head under her chin. She shifted onto her back, propping herself up against the headboard. 

“Thank you,” he murmured as he snuggled closer and draped one of his legs over hers. 

Despite how distressed he was, she couldn’t help but smile to herself. He trusted her. “Anytime, my love.” Han squeezed her tight for a moment before taking a deep breath, the tension in his muscles easing a little.

They laid there for a while, with Leia rubbing his back and breathing in the scent of his own shampoo.

“Ever tell you much about Shrike?” he asked, his voice gravelly.

Leia shook her head, the name not ringing any bells. “No, I don’t think so.” Han was pretty tight-lipped about his past and Leia didn’t want to pry. She knew enough to know it wasn’t good. From little pieces Chewie had mentioned and Han had let slip over the years to the scars littered across his body, she figured it must have been far from her own idyllic upbringing. 

“Real sadist, ruled his ship with a beskar fist. Found me on the streets and took me in. He took in a lot of orphans in, for a price. See we had to thieve for him every day. Taught us to pickpocket and run cons and if y’didn’t your quota, not only did y’not eat, y’got a thrashing.” Leia’s stomach twisted and her heart ached as her fingers trailed over the raised ridges of old scars on his back. “And he told you y’were useless while he did it. Told you y’deserved it.” His hand slipped under her shirt and he splayed it across her stomach, the rough calluses gently dragging across her skin. “Thought I’d gotten over it; was years ago. Left when I was nineteen. But…” He paused and Leia remained quiet, knowing he’d talk in his own time. “What happened on Bespin,” he said, swallowing hard, “and in Jabba’s Palace.” Han shook his head. “S’like it brought it all back up again. I couldn’t protect you or Chewie. Not from Vader or Jabba.” His voice cracked and she had to bite her lip. “Never felt more useless ‘n my life.”

“Han, none of that is your fault. You couldn’t have known what would happen on Bespin. I willingly walked into Jabba’s palace knowing what could happen. What happened _is not your fault_. It wasn’t a failure on your part. You _didn’t_ fail us.”

“But I told you t’trust Lando.” He sounded so jagged and broken, his tone cut to her core.

“How were you supposed to know Fett would get to him before us? Besides, he did help Chewie and me escape. He helped us rescue Luke. We trusted him and we got you back.” And not that she’d ever mention it but she did respect the choice Lando made. He had acted to save his people. Hadn’t she done the same? Sacrificing her planet to save the galaxy? The few for the many? She’d be a hypocrite. 

Han was silent, his thumb ghosting over her skin. “Would it make you feel better or worse to know I’d do it all again if it got us the same result?” she asked. Without a second thought, so long as she got Han back. 

He glanced up at her, brow furrowed. “Y’would?”

Leia fought the urge to roll her eyes as she smiled. “Of course, Nerfherder. You’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Living without you is not something I want to imagine.”

Han considered that, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “Feel like I should feel bad ‘bout that. Feel bad that I don’t.”

“Don’t. We both know you’d do the same for me.” Hells, he’d faced off with _Vader_ with nothing more than a blaster, just to keep her safe. “And don’t you dare say that’s different,” she said firmly. 

Han grumbled under his breath, settling his head back on her chest. Leia smiled, nuzzling his hair. “Love you, Leia,” he murmured, his lips ghosting across her skin.

“I know; I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scream into my [Tumblr inbox](https://equusgirl.tumblr.com)?

**Author's Note:**

> Yell at me on [Tumblr](https;//equusgirl.tumblr.com)?


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